The Days When I Don't Know It All
Reflection on a mirror, harsh word, and the Knower
Hello friends,
Thank you.
Thank you for taking the time to read, share, and sit with these raw, not fully formed, vulnerable reflections. Earlier this month I read and jotted these words down from Ann Voskamp because they really gave voice to the heart behind this little space:
Spiritual reflection is required for spiritual maturation. The practice of reflection is key to practicing soul growth. The practice of reflection is key to practicing being cruciform. The practice of reflection is key to practicing repentance. The practice of reflection is key to practicing thankfulness. The practice of reflection is key to the practice of faith. Your souls needs a practice of reflection if you want to see the Way forward.
Where am I coming from? Where have we been? These are the days to reflect and ask these questions.
If you had told me a few years back that I would be writing and sharing about body image I would have laughed and rolled my eyes. There’s more to it but earlier this month it happened.
I walked passed a mirror, and the words that came out of my mouth were “Ew.”
That stung. That harsh word caught ME by surprise. Where did that even come from?!
To be honest, for better or worse, I never really gave much thought to my body until I grew, birthed, and nourished 3 kids with it. It’s incredible, miraculous, and such a gift. But this body has grown, stretched, shrunk, etc. So much so that I have a 5 finger gap in my abdomen… also known as diastis recti. It is so wide and deep I can practically fit my fist through my severely separated abdominal muscles. OUCH. If you’re a mom, did your midwife, OBYN, or let’s be real, the influencers on IG tell you about this?!
I never heard about this until AFTER I had kids. If you look at my IG account these days, the reels, posts, etc that I get served have to deal with healing this condition. As helpful as they are for exercises, the most frustrating thing about seeing these posts and looking in the mirror is this gnawing feeling and thought:
If only I would have known.
I would have put in the work to not be here.
I would have gone to the gym.
I would have INSERT ALL THE THINGS (at least I would like to think so)
I can go down a whole trail of thoughts of what I would have done differently. And you know where that leads to? Most times guilt, shame, negative self-talk, and sometimes believing lies from the enemy and living as so. See the example above again.
“You should have known”
“You should have done more research, asked more questions, or seen other providers.”
Does this type of self-talk sound familiar? Body image is the area that was targeted this month but if I look closely I can see this same thinking seep into other areas of my life. Especially when I find myself in a place I don’t want to be. For example, last month I shared about Leo experiencing a febrile seizure and how that scared me to the core…
If only I would have known.
“If only you would have searched, read, and learned all about fevers and their complications… how could you not as a mom?”
I don’t know what specific area in your life you find yourself thinking If only I would have known whether in parenting, relationships, work, health, or money but I want you to know that God knows. And I know that may sound like just a blanket easy answer but it’s not. It’s this truth that helps me refocus my thoughts, lifts the burden, and provides the gentle reassurance that I am right in the place I need to be.
“The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry;” Psalm 34:15
“The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way;” Psalm 37:23
Sometimes I walk around life as if I should know all the things and then become overwhelmed in pursuit of knowing all the things. The temptation is real in today’s overly connected internet age where information is literally at our fingertips—to be the knower. The knower about everything… to protect myself and my loved ones from well, everything. I’m pretty sure that if I indeed knew it all and was the one in control, I would never choose the hard or the pain.
But maybe just maybe my lack of knowledge, the gaps in my knowledge, is actually a protection and a way that points me to depend on and pursue the actual Knower. The one who knows ALL things, sees ALL things and directs ALL things.
“for from him and through him and to him are all things.” Romans 11
I don’t know about you but that allows me to take a breath. That allows me to humbly come to God in my need, seek out Truth, and then turn around and face the negative self-talk and lies and proceed to take steps from a place of assurance instead of fear.
In my current situation, I will always be grateful for how this body made room for my 3 little gifts. And just because I did not know about diastis recti before or after my first pregnancy does not mean there is nothing for me to do now. I can continue to say mean things to myself or I can take those thoughts captive and take the next best steps to educate myself, see the right professionals, and put in the work to heal and strengthen my core.
So in the moments and days, I find myself pressured to try and know it all about my children’s health, the stock market, political issues, you name it, to prevent something bad from ever happening… may I remember I wasn’t created for that. These days I’m truly learning to trust the unknown to my known God who indeed knows it ALL.
This upcoming month we are going to be receiving decisions from a few schools for two of our kids. My husband and I have decided that we would prayerfully reconsider our education choice each year for each child to make sure they are each thriving. As overwhelming as it can feel, there is freedom friends. I remember driving to work 6 months pregnant with our first child 7 years ago and listening to the Risen Motherhood podcast on education choice. It was so informative and a great launching pad. If you are currently deciding how to educate your child and want a guide on how to think biblically about school choice, check out the resource page over at Risenmotherhood: https://www.risenmotherhood.com/education.
Pro parenting tip #5,567: don’t make decisions about your child based on 10-second Instagram clips. Not sure who needed that reminder but sharing it for us both :)
I love to host small gatherings for our family and friends in our home. Last month I hosted an intimate bridal brunch for my sister and I found the most versatile, easy-to-use, and store arch backdrop from Amazon. You can decorate it with balloons, and florals, or even buy a cover in any color to go over it. If you host lots of parties and want to bring your Pinterest dreams to life, check it out!
Last month Ian and I finished reading Charlotte’s Web and if you have not read it as an adult, please do. This month we are reading The BoxCar Children! I can still vividly remember sitting on the carpet as my teacher read it aloud to us and being captivated by the storyline. Do you have favorites? Please share them with me!
History and social studies were my least favorite subjects in school. Not because I was not interested but because I didn’t do too well with memorizing dates, locations, etc so quickly. It overwhelmed me. I got it done to pass the tests but surely my brain never really absorbed it. So one thing I have enjoyed these last few years is relearning history through books, shows, and movies. Isaac and I watched the Oscar winning movie, Selma, for the first time this past weekend and it was so powerful and moving. It chronicles Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s campaign to secure equal voting rights via a historic march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama, in 1965.
Thanks for reading friends. Until next month!
Be encouraged by these final words:
Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.
Isaiah 40:28-31