The Day That Scares You to Death

"God, don't do this to me."

Hey friends,
Motherhood has kept me close to Jesus. He is using it to refine my faith and stretchhhh me. As I shared in my welcome note, I want to try and capture some of that here for myself, my kids, and my friends in the trenches. This is a heavy and vulnerable note to begin with but this was indeed a day in January. Ironically, it was the first day of January when everything should feel hopeful and fresh right?

Instead, on this day I had a small taste of the greatest tension of all— knowing God can do anything and also knowing that He might choose not to.

Leo, my 18-month-old, caught whatever virus his big brother and sister had a few days prior and was running a fever. Both Ian and Mia’s fevers lasted about 24 hours with no other symptoms so I sort of knew what to expect and wasn’t overly concerned. We spent the day lounging on the sofa, drinking smoothies, and offering as many opportunities as possible to nap. Leo’s fever was running pretty high hitting 103.8 / 104 not allowing him to nap well throughout the day so before bedtime, I gave him medicine to hopefully help bring down the temp so he could get some sleep.

An hour or two later he woke up crying and I could feel he was still pretty hot…the medicine had not helped like I’d hoped. He cried on and off throughout the evening, so I made my way to his room to sleep on our 6-year-old’s twin bed to be readily available as he woke throughout the night. At one point I was so tired of getting in and out of the bed that I pulled him out of the crib and had him sleep right next to me. An hour later he woke up again and I could still feel the heat radiating from his body. He sat up, handed me his pacifier, gave me a few playful high fives, and then out of nowhere fell back, lost consciousness, stopped breathing, and started convulsing.

At 11:45pm breaking through the silence of my family peacefully sleeping, I began yelling at the top of my lungs as I scrambled to get out of bed “ISAAC ISAAC CALL 911. ISAAC HURRY. 911.”

The next ten minutes were the most frightening, torturous, heart-crushing minutes of my life. On this day I had a small taste of the greatest tension of all— knowing God can do anything and also knowing that He might choose not to.

The only words I could muster up as I held Leo close to my chest completely helpless, completely out of control was “God, don’t do this to me”. Over and over I cried out these words in total desperation as I paced back and forth waiting for help to arrive.
”God, don’t do this to me.”
”God, don’t do this to me.”

I believed I was watching my son die in my arms and I had no way to stop it. To help him. I felt myself dying with him. A piece of me did die in that moment and it was a part of His plan all along.

I didn’t know it then but Leo had a febrile seizure. These happen because of the sudden spike in body temperature with fevers. (If you have young children, please read on this) By God’s grace, what I had feared at that moment did not happen. Our boy is with us and he is his normal happy self. But at THAT moment, we were terrified.

After a grueling overnight ER stay I found myself back at home with my beautiful boy, an abounding grateful heart, and the biggest knot in my throat and stomach.

What in the world just happened?!

The note below is one I wrote to help me begin processing a very traumatic day with my God— a God who I was so scared was going to hurt me. Maybe it will give voice to some of the fears and worries you have these days. The Lord can handle it.

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I have come to realize that I struggle with a fear of pain… of painful seasons. There I said it. I am scared of the hard things that will break me, tear me apart, and leave me unidentifiable. Suffering might be the word? I don’t want it.

I realize that I often keep asking you for a pain-free life. One without sickness, brokenness, or disappointment. But we are not in heaven… not yet. And I guess pain and suffering have a way of reminding us of that—especially when we get too comfortable here. Lord, you never promised me a pain-free life. Instead, you tell us pretty often to take heart because trouble will come. I know that in my head. Yet I am scared to know who I really am when the hard things come… when my worst nightmares come true… like if my Leo would have died in my arms on New Year’s Day. Who would I be? How would I even live?

Not strong enough that’s for sure. But I guess that’s the point. Lord, keep me close. I need to know your heart because when those nightmares come true, when the pain comes—because it will— I need to be able to trust you and the work you’ve done in me. Help me trust you.

But I can see your faithfulness. My eyes have been trained to look for it.
I see that you are near. That you see us. That you were undeservingly gracious to us…this time.

I see your faithfulness in me being right next to Leo when he started seizing. The probability is so low since he always sleeps so well independently in his crib. I see your faithfulness in our neighbor’s daughter pulling into the driveway of their house exactly right at the moment that Isaac was frantically running across the street at 11:45 pm. So they were all up to come help within minutes. Faster than 911 came. I see your faithfulness in my neighbor who looked me in the eyes and said “Hey, he is okay. He’s going to be fine. Look at him he’s okay.” As I was drowning in despair and crippled by fear, his words permitted me to take a breath because it felt like I had stopped breathing too and to look at him. At my breathing boy. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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As I have shared this story with those close to us, many mention how hard things like this make us question who God is… His goodness, etc. But for some reason, as I was in the ambulance heading to the hospital with Leo that night, the one thing I kept thinking about was the words I cried out. “God, don’t do this to me.” Was that right theology? What did that reveal about who I thought God was? I wasn’t questioning God, I was questioning myself.

Who am I when my worst nightmare comes true? When pain and suffering come. When my heart is truly broken. Will I stay close to Him? Will I praise Him no matter what as I have always proclaimed I would?

I don’t know. I felt so close to knowing and it shook me. I guess it’s preparing me. On this day, I truly experienced and learned for the first time how helpless we are.

But when you know that the Lord orders your steps, ALL of them, the only thing that will keep you sane when you are led into a disorientating season is to intentionally lean in and look for the ways God is working, providing, and leading.

Those words I cried out that day, words I questioned, reminded me of some very familiar that Jesus uttered in Luke 22:41-44:

“ And he withdrew from them about a stone's throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.^”

Our God is present. He has suffered greatly. He knows. Our faith can’t be only for the pain-free happy days. If anything, it is our saving grace in the hard ones.

Lean in and look friends— God will show His faithfulness.

P.S. Leo is doing SO well. He is his normal happy self. Thankfully, he has not gotten sick since that day but as you can imagine there is anxiety and fear about his next fever. We have asked all the questions to our doctor and read up on what to do if he experiences another febrile seizure and pray he never experiences one again.

Hope you find something to enjoy, read, or try!

1. The Tres Leche Cake from Whole Foods has been bringing a smile to this mama’s face and tummy. It is perfection every time: sweet but not too sweet, rich, and scrumptiously moist. Next time you’re at Whole Foods, pick up a slice to try or the family pack and enjoy for a few days after the kids are in bed of course.

2. With 3 small kids, meal times can be a little loud and crazy as you can imagine. To help keep them at the table, engaged, and eating we have been asking each other ‘Would You Rather’ questions. It has been so much FUN! We have a set of cards from Walgreens with questions but here you can find some questions to get you started.

3. It has been such a blast to see our oldest, Ian, learn to read this past year. I work in publishing so it has been extra sweet to see him begin a relationship with books! A few days ago we began reading his first novel together, Charlotte’s Web. I can cry. It is wonderful and he is so into it. Check out this booklist if you are looking for first novels to read aloud recommendations for your early reader. We read 1 chapter right before bed :)

4. At random moments throughout the day, you can find our family belting out the words to this song: Trust in God by Elevation. The sweetest sound to hear my kids singing “He will never fail” over and over.

5. Isaac and I just finished watching Band of Brothers a WW II drama series on Netflix and boy was it heart-wrenching but SO well done. Check it out the next time you’re looking for something to watch. It may keep you up at night though :)

Thanks for reading friends. Be encouraged by these final words:
“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.”
2 Corinthians 4:16–18